Oyster stretch georgette gown with macro bead sash by Oscar de la Renta ($10,950). oscardelarenta.com. Diamond necklace in 18k white gold ($84,525) and Panthère de Cartier ring in 18k white gold, diamonds, emeralds and onyx ($45,600), Cartier. 40 Newbury St., 617-262-3300

Dress, Louis Vuitton ($21,006). Copley Place, 617-437-6519. Earrings, Neil Lane ($12,000). neillanejewelry.com

ON HER PERSONAL STYLE My mom says I had a uniform ever since I was a kid; I’ll pick one thing and wear it for a month. Right now I’m loving these khaki pants three sizes too big with flip-flops, little tank tops and a long silver charm necklace.” ON PARENTING “Doing two movies back-to-back is easier than getting my son, Jackson, to do his homework.” ON LOVING A YOUNGER MAN “I hate when people say, ‘Good for you!’ I think, Fuck you, good for him!” ON MAKING MISTAKES “When someone says they don’t believe in mistakes, I know I can’t be friends with that person. We all have shortcomings. I certainly have regrets, and I’m learning from them.” ON ASPIRATIONS “I believe that God gives you what you want— just not always exactly how you think it should be.”

The same could be said of Bello’s career. Born and raised in Philadelphia, the second oldest of four kids in a Polish-Italian family, she learned to trust her gut—which has rarely steered her wrong. A graduate of Villanova who came “this close” to becoming a lawyer, she has a film and TV career that’s nothing short of colorful—and eclectic.

In her latest project, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, directed by Rebecca Miller, Bello plays a manic-depressive, drug-addled mother to a young Pippa Lee (Blake Lively). While the film gave her the opportunity to work with Robin Wright Penn, Alan Arkin and Julianne Moore, it also gave her the chance to go “out of [her] fucking mind.” “When people see it, they tell me, ‘You are crazy in that movie,’ and it’s true,” she says. “One minute I’m laughing, then crying, screaming, sobbing.”

Somehow, the role spoke to her. And when a good script speaks, Bello listens. In many ways her career is one long, fascinating conversation with several peak moments: She won a Screen Actors Guild Award for her role as Dr. Anna Del Amico on ER; a New York Film Critics Circle Award for A History of Violence; and was nominated for a Golden Globe for The Cooler. From smaller, more complex films to blockbuster hits, she’s always surprising her fans—and herself. For instance, just when she’d thought she’d aged out of the swashbuckling category, director Rob Cohen offered her a part in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor days after her 40th birthday. Would she do another action-hero project? “In a second,” she says.

WHAT 40 LOOKS LIKE
Hollywood (and our culture in general) may have its own ideas about what a woman over 40 can do, but frankly, Bello doesn’t buy into it. For her, age isn’t something to hide but to be proud of—and live up to. “I’ll look at certain outfits and say, ‘I can’t wear that. It’s too young for me.’ But I mean it in the best possible way,” she says. “I like that I look my age. I don’t want to be 42 pretending to be 28.”

Speaking of bucking cultural norms, Bello’s fiancé happens to be 12 years her junior. She met musician and part-time waiter Mooser at the restaurant where he works. He was appealing, and she got brave. But rather than the result of some cougar-esque act of sexual empowerment (the mere notion of which Bello despises), their coupling is soul-deep and based on a shared set of values, which Bello says she has trouble finding in men her own age. “Men of the younger generation have a different view of masculinity,” she says. “They were raised by powerful women, and so they don’t feel they need to be ‘the man of the house.’

Although she believed for years that monogamy was a doomed endeavor, she has since come around to the idea in a big way. “My belief was always that after three years, the passion dies,” she says. “But I realize now I was putting too much emphasis on sex as the main part of a relationship. I’ve learned there’s so much more than that. Let’s face it: People who stay together for 50 years don’t do it for the sex.”

While filming first The Company Men in Boston and then Grown Ups last summer, Bello fell in love again—this time with New England. “We lived on Good Harbor Beach. It’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. Bryn thinks it’s one of the topthree beaches in the world,” she says. “The light in Cape Ann is like nothing I’ve ever seen.” The two were so smitten with Gloucester that they’re thinking of purchasing a summer home there.

PAYING IT FORWARD
The issue of power—what it is, how it’s used—is endlessly fascinating for Bello, whose own brand of passion, grit and levelheadedness sets her apart not only in her career, but also when it comes to causes that matter.

“What doesn’t make sense is how we still define the powerful as those who have the most money,” she says. Bello, who has been working with Save Darfur since 2003, has been lauded for her efforts in raising awareness of sexual abuse as a weapon against women during times of war.

Giving back is effortless for Bello—especially since she feels she’s been given so much. The hardest thing for her, in fact, is being able to give a little back to herself (“It’s a big theme in my life lately, to cut myself a break and be gentle.”). Part of this means realizing that sometimes getting where you need to be has little to do with power, but with an ability to let life lead. “Instead of swimming upriver,” she says, “I finally feel like I’m flowing with the current.”